Category: Poems

For me one of the greatest tests of how far a person has progressed in their recovery journey from life controlling behaviours or addictions is how they cope alone with self. I hope a few of you can relate to this poem

Self

Every bone and sinew, my body screams to escape
Tormented by memories, the existence of which strive to shape
the very essence of who I am, distressed and ill at ease
How can I find rest my heart to please?
Bring comfort and companionship to my soul?
Some fragrance of life to be make me whole
The anguish of spending time in a crowd
Of being alone or speaking out loud
In case they find out the real me
Timidity and fear for all to see
communing with demons, seeking comfort from self
The hatred and loathing Is on the the shelf
For all to see, I’m going insane
The instant remedy, to medicate pain
engaging in behaviour, escaping me
Alone with self I have to flee

The magic I seek at ease, at one, 
The living of life has just begun
To commune with self, no strife, content
This is how life was meant
experiencing life at ease at peace
The forgiveness of self brings release
It takes time to live new fresh ways
To find a way through life’s maze
to my soul, be gentle and kind
Sound and safe, of right mind
The end is in site, able to live with me
Me and God, I'm feeling free
There’s no other treasure which I wish to own
Rewarding, inspiring I’m becoming known
At home with self, igniting, firing
The horizon nears a complete rewiring

It’s time to live again

John Lowton 
November '22'

This poem relates to my early struggles having been born with my internal organs in the wrong place, this is now diagnosed as a congenital diaphragmatic hernia.

In life there are choices
The first for me at birth
My bodily deformities, were they to give me worth?
They could have defined my lifestyle, my attitude each day
Maybe the world owed me, someone has to pay
I had the choice of bitterness, anger with the world
My tongue a poisoned arrow full of curses hurled
But my parents called me John, a name they carefully found
Chosen of God to hear a very different sound
With gratitude I grew despite the early pain
Glad with life, a happy child, my thoughts were always sane
Life itself was precious, every day from God was new
A lifestyle of gratitude filled me through and through
But the choice still remains at the start of every day
Bitterness or gratitude which will be the way
I’ve too much to be grateful for, so many reasons to live
Allot of life before me allot of love to give

It’s time to live again

John Lowton

October '22'

I talked to a girl on the internet, then I talked to three

Multiple conversations deliciously driving me

It didn’t matter if I met them, the chase is all I need

Hooking them, controlling them, the routine on which I feed

My behaviour took me over, consumed my every thought

A co-dependant cesspit, one I wasn’t taught

I fed them and they fed me, toxic through and through

No tear shed as I let them down, moving on to someone new

Non chemical addictions so painful to withdraw

A subject rarely talked about, a fast revolving door

I skipped my meals, I lost sleep, I was even late for work 

Life controlling behaviours round every corner lurk

I see it all around, in friendship groups and churches

Hidden behind smiles, the pain and heartache lurches

It’s a sin, you must stop I hear the preacher say

The judging words of others not offering a way

To stop the behaviour, address the pain

Honesty a must

Not just from me, from all, a way of building trust

I also see it paraded, accepted, even boasted

Co-dependant lifestyles, honoured even toasted

On the tele, in the press lifestyles feeding pain

Every colour of the rainbow driving me insane

A new honesty is needed to address this lifestyle curse

Non chemical addictions only getting worse

Honesty from all, it’s not about them and us

Passenger’s together, riding the same bus

Life controlling behaviours affect us all, to this or that extent

It’s time for us to change, something Heaven sent

It’s time to live again

John Lowton

October ’22’

The prospect of the dance is so appealing

The lifts and throws will leave you reeling

The dance begins, I’ve not reached the floor

The chase is on as I exit the door,

Of my house, I’m on my way

A choice I make everyday

Do I go or do I stand still

Good or bad my head to fill

As soon as I leave, I feel the pain

To dance with the devil has no gain

The more I dance the pain increases

My heart and mind the pain then teases

Learning new moves, I get drawn in

It triggers the pain, I just can’t win

Quick feet and partners to the fore

A vicious circle to the core

Make the choice, don’t set out 

The only way, I’m in with a shout

Grab that thought when I want to go

Talk with friends let someone know

For the dance is a monster, dark and deadly

Time to play a different medley

It’s time to live again

John Lowton

October ’22’

The chemical rush the Adrenalin flow

The temptation of success of being on show

The pressing danger fame can bring

The highs and lows can often fling

You around, perpetual riding

Pedestal heights never hiding

Then down you crash what a fall

The pain so great for one and all

do not believe what people say

To maintain the momentum every day

A place of solitude you must find 

A place of quietness for the mind

Where chemical rushes cease to fire

Different pathways need to wire

Jesus found that solitary place

A place alone out of the race

With self so comfortable, at one, at ease

No need to perform no need to please

So learn to retreat away from the throng

Learn to know you’ve done no wrong

When you escape from the rush and chemical high

A place to laugh and talk and cry

At home with self, a sign of healing

A peace, a joy, a familiar feeling

As you commune with your Father strength you take

New hope ahead is what you make

As you return to crowd and take your place

Better equipped to run the race

It’s time to live again

John Lowton

October ’22’

In life there are patterns for everyone to see

The ebbs and flows, highs and lows, the things that make up me

I didn’t plan to self destruct it just kept on occurring 

I could feel it coming from afar, my mind just kept on whirring 

The ‘success’ and ‘fame’ life was flying

I expected the fall there is no denying 

Success and me didn’t marry

The emotional high I couldn’t carry

I couldn’t cope with being paraded

With recurring behaviours I then traded

I self destructed with my dark friend

The familiar pattern had no end

My friends were left with confusion

He did it again it’s no illusion

The hurt and pain were there to see

The destructive cycle surrounding me

I needed to find a different way

To steadier path, a brighter day

I no longer want to be parading

‘Success’ and ‘Fame’ masquerading 

Highs and lows come as they will

The occasional trough and even a thrill

I’m now more prepared for the ride

I meet my friends and then confide

a solitary place to retreat

With my maker I do meet

So can I ask don’t parade your friend

Those in recovery often tend

To be showed off before the world

Their new ‘success’ like a flag unfurled

But the very act can cause a high

They look so great but hide a lie

The fame itself causes pain

To be paraded has no gain

Except to promote false success

Leaving the friend to pick up the mess

Parading addicts point to score

They self destruct as before

I’ve worked in recovery for so long

Now I sing an honest song

It’s time to live again

John Lowton

October ’22’

Those suffering addictions compartmentalise their lives
Trying to build boxes to help them to survive
Life controlling behaviours closeted away
The pain kept in a corner to come out another day
The other rooms look perfect, portraying peace and hope
The shoes are lined up clean and spaced, “look how well I cope”.
It’s all a show for self and friends, as if they cannot see
The childhood pain stuck in the corner, the property of me
Life cannot be boxed there’s an ebb and flow
Between the rooms in your house joy and sadness go
If you try to lock your pain away it will break out in other spaces
The careful hiding doesn’t work, to appear in public places
The embarrassment and shame rears its ugly head
from within its box the pain breaks out
Be careful where you tread
I cannot judge or pick out, the addict, you or me
We all have pain locked away to this or that degree 
A single canvas can be painted as you try to live as one
A tapestry with no walls has only just begun
Openness, honesty and sharing
Not the time for comparing
The journey ahead no one else can measure
To embrace the pain and find the treasure
Unique to you but travel with friends
Who you travel with just depends
On open hearts and an honest soul
across the river and your goal

It’s time to live again 

John Lowton

October '22'

My life truly is a miracle. I had a major operation fixing congenital defects to my stomach and oesophagus at the age of 2 then at the age of 53 they diagnosed I had been living my whole life with my colon in my left lung space, a hidden secret my body held. My next poem is about that time in my life 

My body held a secret, hidden locked away
Refusing to come out into the light of day
It shocked me when it surfaced and shocked the surgeon too, 
The most eminent physician amazed through and through

I’ve heard the word epiphany and wondered what it meant
A moment of revelation, something heaven sent
In that instant I viewed my life in a completely different way
3 was 4 and 5 was 6 there’s nothing else to say
It all made sense, a light switched on
The truth was out, the mystery gone
The hidden struggles, I understand
Dangers traversed Gods guiding hand
The relief was massive, colour exploded
The whole of me fully downloaded

I knew for sure it’s time to leave
The old behind but give space to grieve
I’d lived with the secret for so long
Needed time to sing a different song
Years progressed I embraced the new
The change in me was right on cue 
I don’t understand the process, why I felt so free
The missing piece, how it had burdened me
I only know that the secret is out
I’m free to run and jump and shout

I’m free to live again

John Lowton

October '22'

My behaviour started at the age of 10
All week planning, culminating when
The turnstile clicked and I entered the ground
Sweaty odours as I looked around 
Heartbeat racing; I took my place
The chase, the buzz an emotional race
Extremes of tension, highs and lows
The final whistle exhaustion shows
Drained of energy I went on my way
To return again another day

In my 20’s I went to church
From meeting to meeting I did lurch
The emotional energy just as strong
The chase, the buzz, just as wrong
The addictive charisma, the joy and fun
I couldn’t exist I had to run
With childhood traumas I had no hope
The highs and lows I couldn’t cope
The dangers were there for this broken child
For comfort and solace I went wild
Hidden behaviours my dark friend
The traumatic pain had no end
At an early age I learned to block 
Extremes of emotion ran a mock 

Now I prefer a steady ride
From emotional extremes I tend to hide
Steady away I prefer to go
I want to let the others know
To cope with extremes is a lesson to learn
The highs and lows I no longer yearn
Over time a new path is carved out
Steady away I’m reluctant to shout
I don’t seek attention, I don’t seek fame
You don’t even have to know my name
Gradually and slowly I will rise
And when I do it will surprise
For I’ve been hidden for to long
I’ve begun to sing a different song

It’s time to live again

John Lowton

October '22'

Apparently I’m a survivor, this is what they say
Bouncing back from life’s extremes to live another day
I see it in my family, the survival trait is strong
World War 1 and World War 2, a very familiar song
I’ve heard it said a thousand times by well-intentioned friends
The survivor word deep entrenched and the message that it sends
I could be content with survival, at the age of 61
But the reality of life is its only just begun
I’m not content with survival, there is more to life than that
To dress in clothes extravagantly and wear a different hat
My horizon is expanding, colours new in view
Now is the time for living, now I must be true
To give and create expressions full of morning hope
The message in my heart I no longer must elope
When I limit myself away behind the survivor tag
It’s time to rise and run under a different flag

It’s time to live again

John Lowton

October ’22’