Today I watched a group of people harmlessly enjoying being friends
I was drawn by their laughter and fun unashamedly spilling over, honouring and encouraging one another
It highlighted my own inadequacy and loneliness
In that moment I felt like I had never experienced friendship like that before
and I feared the exuberance drawing me in , lest the pain of my own existence was exposed,
So, I stayed quiet, my inability to make attachments causing me to watch from a distance, my own silence, a deafening noise
I made a promise to myself, like I had done before, countless times in my life
Next time would be different, next time I will engage, next time
But, I fear the tears flowing uncontrollably
Tapping in to the very depths of who I am
As I write, my words are like an oil, massaging my body, temporarily offering me a little comfort,
My honesty brings me one step closer
For I am fearfully and wonderfully made
It’s time to live again
July ‘23’